A MILLION DAIMOKU EXPERIENCE.

A Tale of Two Stephens

"A shallow person will only have shallow relationship. If you want to experience real love, it is important to first sincerely develop a strong self-identity." ~SGI President Ikeda
The following is a contribution by Angie Leong of SGI-Malaysia which I have found encouraging and which I wanted to share:)

Angie Leong relates how she overcame a failure in relationship through faith and in the process gained much more...

Believe it or not, I have actually attempted suicide because of love. It sounds silly but I have been there and I understand how it feels.

Probably the most difficult and common problem among women is the 'relationship karma'. It is difficult because it involves not only us but others as well. We often feel helpless in such situations as we cannot control how others feel.

At 21, I graduated with honors and landed a job with US multinational firm even before getting my results. I thought I was strong and capable, but I soon found out that I was just an emoty shell putting a strong front to mask my low self-esteem.

I fell in love with Stephen in 2002. Soon I begin to neglect my practice of Nichiren Buddhism. Love was in the air, filling my whole world, blinding me totally. Knowing I would soon hit a wall, my mother persuaded me to go back to the Gohonzon and chant Nam-myoho-renge-kyo(daimoku).

But I told her off: "Let me be; let me lead my own life!"As time went by, I became insecure. I pried on Stephen, became clingy and manipulative towards him. We hit rock bottom on December 14, 2002 when he called to say he had enough, ending the relationship with a slam. Just like that.

I panicked. I called him repeatedly, but was always answered with a harsh bang. It hit my pride and it hit really hard. I dropped to a very low life-state while not knowing what to do.
Later I travelled to Singapore to see Stephen. What he said shocked me. He used the very same words I had said to my mother! "Let me be; let me lead my own life!" The law of cause and effect smacked right at my face.

My mum encouraged me to chant for what I really wanted, which was to have a second chance with Stephen. But I was impatient to see the resultsm so I called him when I was alone some time later. Then I literally fell into hell when he accused me of harassing him.
To be accused so by someone who had once declared his deep love for me - was humiliating and painful. I felt worthless, capable only of bringing misery to others.

Down the Destructive Path

There was only one way to prove how earnest I was. I decided dying was it.
Many things went through my mind at that time, including the most 'appropiate' way to commit suicide. Tearfully, I knelt down before the Gohonzon and chanted three - supposedly last daimoku. My prayer was, "I am sorry," As I took up the knife and placed it on my wrist, a YWD(Young woman division) leader called my mobile phone. Amazingly, I picked it up. Sensing the distress in my voice, she rushed right over to my place. It was as though I had sent my SOS signal to her through the universe.

My mother and the YWD leader encouraged me to chant for what I desired, and that my prayers will surely be answered.

I chanted but felt that I should have a more concrete prayer to achieve my goal. After chanting abundant daimoku, I found some answers when I came upon an article written by a SGI member which reads, "As long as we thoroughly understand and truthfully apply those [the Daishonin's] teachings, we will be able to single-handedly build a successful relationship with confidence and joy but without feeling the need to make concessions, repress grievances or experience resistance."

The article also shared that we need to resolve conflicts by taking on responsibility and by transforming ourselves first. Using an analogy about a broken glass, the author wrote that we cannot mend something if we do not own it. But when we take it up as our responsibility, then we can do something about it.

How wonderful! I was determined to fight, to chant for courage and strength, to take responsibility for the broken relationship, look into my inner self and face and 'ugliest' side. I resolved to challenge my first one million daimoku.

One Million Daimoku

The progress of self reflection focusing on the three poisons of greed, anger and stupidity was not easy. I came to realize many things about myself and how everythng is a reflection of my inner life.

I had never respected or trusted Stephen. I was arrogant in thinking I was always right and demanded perfection when I was not.

I struggled to face myself squarely, using daimoku as a source of energy, I chanted, I cried, I slept for only a few hours a day, i chanted whenever I could, on the train and during lunch break. I chanted so hard that my mum was worried that I was becoming fanatical.
Through the study of Buddhism, I learned that when based on faith everything happens for a reason. We had scripted this situation ourselves to enable us to grow in faith and transform our karma - I saw that Stephen was part of my push factor to deepen my faith and human revolution.

I also learned to sincerely repent for bringing suffering to the people around me. I especially repent for the way I treated Stephen and for giving undue stress to my parents. I also repented for trying to take my own precious life. Such prayers were very powerful. It helped me to accept the situations as my very own responsibility.

Then I learned about the prayers of gratitude. I owed a debt of gratitude to Stephen for pushing me to do chant so much daimoku and human revolution, to my parents for being understanding and to my friends and YWD members for being supportive when I really needed it.
I listed down my prayers word by word. In all, they came to six pages! It took me half an hour to read. The clear prayers and objectives helped me to pray consistently regardless of how bad my day had been.

Holding Dialogues through Daimoku

My previous attempts to talk directly with Stephen had only worsened the situation. Somehoe, my intention was received in a different light. The Buddha is within each of us, and all of us have the potential to be understanding and compassionate. I decided to conduct a ''dialogue' with him via my daimoku chanting. With my Buddhahood reaching his - a Buddha connecting with another Buddha - my message will surely be delivered with compassion and peace.

An article I read states that when we pray, our Buddhahood is manifested and we fuse with the universe. We are all connected. My SOS message to the YWD leader proved it. When we pray and present our goals, we are actually presenting our life proposals. To achieve my goal, my thoughts, words and deeds must contribute to it.

I had to work harder on my 'human revolution'. It is not transformations merely to achieve a goal but a true inner change that transforms every aspect of my life and surroundings. Correspinding to the law of cause and effect, when we react positively to circumstances, we will get positive reactions and different paths will unfold, henceforth transforming our karma.
At times when things were particularly trying, I sought for encouragement from fellow members and leaders. When I felt impulsive and impatient, I wuold get a SMS stating "Perseverance is the key." When I felt like calling Stephen, my mum would remind me to dialogue with him through daimoku. I was a stubborn person but at such times I turned my stubbornness into perseverance.

When I was halfway though my million daimoku, my prayer list was reduced to three pages. I did not give up on my goal. Praying with a sense of gratitude and repentance helped me to let go some of the darker tendencies within me - especially grudges. Letting go was like lifting a rock off my shoulder. I became much happier.

At the end of my million daimoku, I was offerd a job in Singapore. Opportunity has come, I thought. Part of my prayer was answered, now that I have the chance to be closer to Stephen again.

I mmoved there. I was doing well in my career, but I did not manage to meet him even though I knew we were in the same vicinity. My spirit sank, but with continuous encouragement, I persevered.

While in Singapore, my god brother introduced me to a friend. Coincidentally, he too was called Stephen. A feeling of déjà vu overwhelmed me. I shared with him the great philosophy of Nichiren Buddhism. He was attracted to my earnest effort to be a better person. Frankly, I panicked at his interest at first.

I went home and chanted wondering if I had not presented the name precisely enough in my prayer, and things got mixed up! Anyway, I decided to chant for the happiness of the two Stephens!

As I looked back, I realized that there was no mix-up. The Stephen who showed me love and care may have the same name as my ex-partner, but they are totally different persons with different personalities. I have met a Stephen who wants to spend his whole life with me, to be my life partner. He is also very supportive of my faith in Nichiren Buddhism and attends activities whenever he could.

So, what happened to my concise prayer to reconcile with my ex-boyfriend? Not long after Stephen proposed to mem I actually bumped into my ex-boyfriend, face to face on the train. It was an unexpected encounter which caught the both of us by surprise, but I had the courage to smile at him. Later I met him again at my office building - we were actually working in the same building!

So, here he was in front of me. This was what I initially prayed for - to be with him again. Although circumstances brought us together again, it was no longer something I wished to pursue. By this time, I had already found what I really wanted, somehting beyond my dreams.And yes I am very grateful that my prayers were answered.
From this experience, more than simply one woman's pursuit of love - I have developed a solid sense of identity. I learned the power of prayer based on a sense of gratitude and repentance. I have experienced the beauty of human revolution which allowed me to have better relationships with others - my mum and I are truly best friends now! If I had not transformed and poslished my negative tendencies, my husband-to-be might not even be attracted to me. i would not have made wonderful friends, my career would not be as great. I finally understood why I had to go through the adversities.

I am forever indebted to my ex-partner, for being my push factor to so many achievements. I will always be grateful to my family, SGM members and friends for their support.
Meanwhile, my relationship with Stephen is going great, We have already registered our marriage, There have been some trying times but deep down I know we will succeed. There is always hope, knowing I can make a difference. When I come to another obstacle, I know for sure that my prayers to the Gohonzon will definitely be answered. I cannot say when or how but i can guarantee that it will be answered, for my life is the proof.